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War and Peace Show, July 2008
WARNING!
Explicit Content!
 
Below is an excerpt from the diary of one “Janet Sykes”. It was recovered in the vicinity of Beltring, Kent. She has not been seen since...
 

“As soon as we got to the roundabout for the showground, I knew it was gonna be big. But I hadn’t realised quite how big it would be until we walked through the unassuming gates and into the grounds. On our left – a tank (a pretty big one I thought), displayed outside an old barn. Inside the barn, a small display of ex-military vehicles, including a halftrack quad gun carrier, some armoured personnel carriers and other such stuff. “Nice!” I thought. “If the show has more displays like this, I’ll be happy!” We walked on, through another unassuming gateway – and my earth moved, buckled and wrenched asunder by the feast before mine eyes!! “Bloo-dy Hell!”

 

Before me, rumbling and chinking along like all the best war movies, was the most MASSIVE tank I have ever laid my eyes upon! Everywhere I looked, there were varying (mammoth) sizes of drab green vehicular pornography! Tiny (in comparison) tanks (which were still bigger than a 110), old Bedford Lorries, huge cranes, bridging vehicles, forward controls, staff cars, vans and 4x4s, and the usual (and somewhat unexciting) Willys Jeeps, and Land Rovers.

 

I managed a few steps before having to stop completely, expletives streaming from my mouth like water, as my mind struggled to take in what it was seeing! The parade of monstrously gorgeous eye-candy continued, with a huge landing craft rumbling on behind! Next was a tracked fast scout vehicle (like a tank with no gun!), and a tracked gun carrier (like a lorry pick-up on steroids!). The parade rumbled, creaked and roared by – spitting up dust and fuel fumes. I stood, awed and amazed (and more than slightly aroused), for what seemed like an hour (but was more like ten minutes!), gawping at the most amazing vehicles ever conceived of by human minds! This was just the beginning!

 

When I could finally will my legs to move, and wrench my eyes from the parading vehicles, we moved on – there were so many vehicles of varying sizes and functions, that there could be no categorisation. Except maybe, monstrously huge, gigantically huge, hugenormous, huge, large, less large, a bit big, and Landies!

 

The vehicle that made my day - nay, my life - was an ex-Russian military vehicle, which may have to replace my husband, house and friends – called a Zil 131 Box Painted Lady! A 7 tonne, 6 litre V8, with tyres that will inflate themselves on the move (the same as a HumVee). (More details can be found on www.russiantruck.co.uk) Behold the homewrecker! (Dave is 5” 11’ by the way...)

 

After wandering round in a blissful stupor for over 2 hours, my legs finally gave up, and I needed to rest, eat and force my full head to process all I had witnessed (including my first real-life look at a “Duck”). We decided to go to the main arena and watch a Vietnam re-enactment, thinking this would give my weary bones a rest... YEAH RIGHT!! The next half hour was an orgasmic display of pyrotechnics (that’s lots of big flamey “BOOOOOOOMMMM”s, and “BANG!!”s, in case ya wondered!), and vehicular maneuvering (that would be “driving about in most excellent trucks”…..)! They spent over £10,000 worth of rounds (with the muzzle-flashing rounds they use for movies), blasting the imaginary kack out of each other!!! FANTASTIC!!

 

I then collapsed on the floor for ten minutes, to give myself a physical and mental “time out”. I found it disconcerting to look up at the beautiful blue sky, and then look behind me and see an “Army Enclosure”, complete with nurses, soldiers and a smoking trench full of “Nazis”!! Very unnerving! (Normal world…… WAR & PEACE WORLD!!) But the rest worked a treat and I was ready to continue.

We then decided it was time to hit the stalls, and see what fantastic apparel could be acquired (that would be “what fab clobber could I get meself!”)! After spending a good hour trawling the stalls looking for that special hat (which I found for £50!! Possibly save up for next year…..), and an ex-German Army Moleskine shirt, with the likkle German Flags still on the shoulders, some lovely soft combats and coat, and a 10ft x 6ft piece of cammo netting – my mission was complete (Yes, I am a girl, and therefore must shop – but you can’t really just pop down to Harvey Nicks for some mouldy-smelling cammos, can ya?)! We wandered back out of the showground, my body fighting at every step to stay and wed a tank or two, leaving behind my tawdry, humdrum existence, for one of loud engines and cammo paint! Just as we were about to leave I heard a throbbing from the skies above. I looked upwards just in time to witness a flyover of a Lancaster, flanked by a Spitfire and Hurricane. They made several passes, and their final pass set off the alarm of an Audi in the carpark!!

 

I am a happy (Tank) girl!!

Take heed – the War and Peace Show will rip out your heart and leave a very large, green engine in its’ place. You will go home wishing to paint everything you own drab green. You will drive down the road and feel confused as to why all the cars seem so small. Your life will never, EVER, be the same again!!

And thank god for that!!